Stop Should-ing Yourself
Why your self-talk is quietly sabotaging your motivation and what to do about it
Trying to get things done used to feel like having a drill sergeant in my head, barking orders, demanding more, relentlessly upping the pressure.
For a long time I thought that was how motivation was supposed to work. It felt heavy and exhausting, like trying to run up a steep hill with a heavy backpack. It took me a long time to realise I was doing things the hard way.
I read all the books I could on procrastination and motivation, and they really helped, but it still felt something was missing.
Things didn’t really click until I discovered that how I talked to myself was a fundamental part of the motivation puzzle.
Let’s try an experiment
Say this out loud:
“I should write that email today.”
Really notice what happens in your body and what thoughts come up.
Now, say this out loud:
“I choose to write that email today.”
Same task. But something is different, maybe a sense of less pressure, more ownership.
That difference you experience in changing a few words, is something most people never think to look at. And it’s one of the easiest things to change to help you feel more motivated.
The habit that kills motivation
Psychologist Albert Ellis discovered we make things harder on ourselves than they need to be because of the habit of taking a preference and hardening it into a demand:
Preference: ’I’d like this to go well’
Demand: ’this must go well’
When your inner voice harshly issues orders: “you must”, “you should”, “you have to”, something inside stops cooperating. The procrastination, the avoidance, the resistance toward things you actually care about makes you revolt against yourself.
Psychologists call this reactance; the instinct to push back when we feel our freedom is being threatened.
You can see it in public health campaigns that rely on heavy-handed messaging: you must do this, you have to stop that. People don’t comply, they actively resist, ignore, or do the opposite. Not because they don’t understand, but because they feel controlled.
The Autonomy effect
So how do you motivate yourself effectively? Research by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan uncovered a fundamental truth about how to improve motivation.
They found humans need autonomy. Making your own choices and deciding what to do. Instead of feeling controlled by someone or something else.
When you feel you’re choosing your actions, motivation improves. When you feel controlled, even by your own thoughts, resistance grows.
The words that work
When you start to use more open words like “could”, “can”, and “choose” the psychological energy behind motivation shifts.
The skill is knowing how to use them as each word does different things.
For example:
“Could” is for when you’re stuck.
It lowers the stakes. “I should start this” becomes “I could start with ten minutes.” The task becomes more doable, the resistance lessens. You’re just taking a small step.
“Can” is for when you’ve been telling yourself you’re not capable.
It gives you back possibility and strengthens self-belief. “I can’t handle difficult conversations” becomes “I can have this conversation.”
“Choose to” reframes tasks that feel like obligation rather than choice.
It restores ownership. “I have to finish this report” becomes “I’m choosing to finish this report.” The work is the same. But you’re no longer being pushed to do a task.
The extra step that boosts motivation
Learning to use these more open words like, “could”, “can”, and “choose” is a great first step. But there’s an extra element that will really improve motivation: a clear reason as to why you do something.
To take the previous examples and add a reason:
Action + because + reason
I could start with ten minutes because in ten minutes I can draft an outline and feel I’ve taken a good first step.
I can have this conversation because the relationship is worth the discomfort.
I’m choosing to finish this report because I want to relax later rather than fretting all evening thinking about what I haven’t done.
The because is key. It connects the action to the reason underneath it. And when you have a reason it strengthens your motivation.
How you talk yourself into doing something matters just as much as what you do. Swap a “should” for a “could”, “can’t” for a “can” and a “have to” for a “choose to” and give it a reason. Do that, and your motivation will shift in ways you won’t expect.
If you want to put this into practice not just understand it I’ve put together a seven-day workbook that walks you through it one step at a time. It’a a fillable PDF, all you need is 10-15 minutes a day using real examples from your own life.
Download it here:
> Stop Shoulding Yourself Workbook